Older and Still Clueless

I have this really bad habit of leaving a social media platform for a really long time and then coming back to it after a few years or so. I’m not kidding when I say years, I mean if you check my Tumblr, Twitter, or any of the other blogs I’ve created the time gaps are pretty big. When I do come back however, it always goes something like this, “Hey guys I’m back! I’ll try to post more from now on!” or “I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long but I’ll try to post more!!!!!! ” First off what a pretentious bitch am I thinking I have people who actually care that much. (Don’t worry I won’t do anything, I’m not that depressed ha.) I’ve learned my mistake and I’m going to be unapologetic.  No need to say sorry because there’s just no point.

So here I am, two years later older and still clueless. Looking back at my last post (which I am sorry about but also not sorry because I’m being unapologetic remember?)  nothing much has changed about my current emotional state. Granted, I am not crying or feeling too sad at the moment, there is still a certain neutrality of the state I am in. I am in the middle. I am not good or bad but I am fine. I mean that at any moment my life scale can lean towards one end and really change the mood. There’s the update on my emotional/internal state. Externally, I am doing slightly better. Since the last post I’ve joined a sport and lost some weight. Who knew right? I couldn’t believe it either. Running honestly changed my life a little bit as it helped me realize my body’s limits, helped me build connections, and given me a more persistent mindset.

As far as relationships go here’s my take on it:

Faith-On a scale of 1-100 1 being the weakest and 100 being the strongest I am at a 70,actually more like a 65.

Family- It’s so complicated and more questions just keep forming with no answers. What is good and what is bad? Does it make me a bad person if I feel/don’t feel a certain way? Why is it like this? Why, why, why?????????????

Friends- Loyalty, understanding, honesty, and kindness are all traits I wish I valued sooner in people. What was I thinking? Also, goodness I really fucking wish I could hang out.

World- Tensions among groups are starting to seep into family life and its effects are more negative than positive. I pray that all the mass deaths end soon.

That is all I can muster up in my return tonight and I hope you enjoy. This blog has kind of become an online diary. I’m too scared to keep a physical diary for many reasons such as my parents or siblings finding it or a fire may occur and I may lose everything. There is also the fact that I get really lazy writing and I type much faster.

 

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Chicken Stuff

Teenagers are ridiculously great liars and if you’re an adult reading this, don’t you dare exclude yourself.When people talked about smiling behind the pain and how the happiness was just a facade I thought they were just some emocore trying to further enhance their character. Welp, I was wrong. I realized that I too, did that-almost everyone does. I’m not implying that I’m some perfect child, but in all honesty I’m a pretty decent one. I do my work, get pretty good grades in school, I’m a good friend (at least I hope so), and I’m an adequate daughter. Despite following all the rules and living “right” I am not completely happy. I feel as if something is missing inside of me. I reckon it’s that stage in your adolescence where you “try to find yourself”. The searching takes over your brain during the busiest part of your life. You’re trying to figure out what you want to be in the future, where you’ll be in the 5 years while trying to pass Algebra 2 or History.  Sadness is when something’s been taken away from you and you can’t help but act “animately” to fill in what’s been lost. Feeling empty is like feeling sad without all the emotion and acting. We add extra distractions like relationship/friendship “drama” to procrastinate in finding out who we really are. Smiling through the mask is true in the sense that nobody is actually really happy, you may be happy for some time but it is temporary. If you’re lucky you’re one of those people are so confident, they just know who they are but unfortunately most people aren’t prepared for life like that.

Goodness I sound like such a teenager, because I am. But still, gross.

This Chick is Coming Through

Well, hello interweb. I hope to entertain the the readers of this blog with my views and opinions on subjects too complex for my brain or subjects that I am already comfortable with.I’m also gonna throw in a few poems from time to time. In a way this will be like an online diary for me. I hope no one takes what I say in this blog with too much seriousness. My goal as a writer is just to get better. I want to touch people and make them laugh. I’m nearing the end of this post and I so I just want to say to anyone reading this thank you for acknowledging my existence and I’m grateful for yours.

-Chicken

P.S.: I like photographs too so expect a lot of that.

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