Older and Still Clueless

I have this really bad habit of leaving a social media platform for a really long time and then coming back to it after a few years or so. I’m not kidding when I say years, I mean if you check my Tumblr, Twitter, or any of the other blogs I’ve created the time gaps are pretty big. When I do come back however, it always goes something like this, “Hey guys I’m back! I’ll try to post more from now on!” or “I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long but I’ll try to post more!!!!!! ” First off what a pretentious bitch am I thinking I have people who actually care that much. (Don’t worry I won’t do anything, I’m not that depressed ha.) I’ve learned my mistake and I’m going to be unapologetic.  No need to say sorry because there’s just no point.

So here I am, two years later older and still clueless. Looking back at my last post (which I am sorry about but also not sorry because I’m being unapologetic remember?)  nothing much has changed about my current emotional state. Granted, I am not crying or feeling too sad at the moment, there is still a certain neutrality of the state I am in. I am in the middle. I am not good or bad but I am fine. I mean that at any moment my life scale can lean towards one end and really change the mood. There’s the update on my emotional/internal state. Externally, I am doing slightly better. Since the last post I’ve joined a sport and lost some weight. Who knew right? I couldn’t believe it either. Running honestly changed my life a little bit as it helped me realize my body’s limits, helped me build connections, and given me a more persistent mindset.

As far as relationships go here’s my take on it:

Faith-On a scale of 1-100 1 being the weakest and 100 being the strongest I am at a 70,actually more like a 65.

Family- It’s so complicated and more questions just keep forming with no answers. What is good and what is bad? Does it make me a bad person if I feel/don’t feel a certain way? Why is it like this? Why, why, why?????????????

Friends- Loyalty, understanding, honesty, and kindness are all traits I wish I valued sooner in people. What was I thinking? Also, goodness I really fucking wish I could hang out.

World- Tensions among groups are starting to seep into family life and its effects are more negative than positive. I pray that all the mass deaths end soon.

That is all I can muster up in my return tonight and I hope you enjoy. This blog has kind of become an online diary. I’m too scared to keep a physical diary for many reasons such as my parents or siblings finding it or a fire may occur and I may lose everything. There is also the fact that I get really lazy writing and I type much faster.