Older and Still Clueless

I have this really bad habit of leaving a social media platform for a really long time and then coming back to it after a few years or so. I’m not kidding when I say years, I mean if you check my Tumblr, Twitter, or any of the other blogs I’ve created the time gaps are pretty big. When I do come back however, it always goes something like this, “Hey guys I’m back! I’ll try to post more from now on!” or “I’m sorry I’ve been gone for so long but I’ll try to post more!!!!!! ” First off what a pretentious bitch am I thinking I have people who actually care that much. (Don’t worry I won’t do anything, I’m not that depressed ha.) I’ve learned my mistake and I’m going to be unapologetic.  No need to say sorry because there’s just no point.

So here I am, two years later older and still clueless. Looking back at my last post (which I am sorry about but also not sorry because I’m being unapologetic remember?)  nothing much has changed about my current emotional state. Granted, I am not crying or feeling too sad at the moment, there is still a certain neutrality of the state I am in. I am in the middle. I am not good or bad but I am fine. I mean that at any moment my life scale can lean towards one end and really change the mood. There’s the update on my emotional/internal state. Externally, I am doing slightly better. Since the last post I’ve joined a sport and lost some weight. Who knew right? I couldn’t believe it either. Running honestly changed my life a little bit as it helped me realize my body’s limits, helped me build connections, and given me a more persistent mindset.

As far as relationships go here’s my take on it:

Faith-On a scale of 1-100 1 being the weakest and 100 being the strongest I am at a 70,actually more like a 65.

Family- It’s so complicated and more questions just keep forming with no answers. What is good and what is bad? Does it make me a bad person if I feel/don’t feel a certain way? Why is it like this? Why, why, why?????????????

Friends- Loyalty, understanding, honesty, and kindness are all traits I wish I valued sooner in people. What was I thinking? Also, goodness I really fucking wish I could hang out.

World- Tensions among groups are starting to seep into family life and its effects are more negative than positive. I pray that all the mass deaths end soon.

That is all I can muster up in my return tonight and I hope you enjoy. This blog has kind of become an online diary. I’m too scared to keep a physical diary for many reasons such as my parents or siblings finding it or a fire may occur and I may lose everything. There is also the fact that I get really lazy writing and I type much faster.



Prospects on the Future

The future is terrifying. Especially when you’re one of those people who still have their “whole lives ahead of you”. I mean that phrase can mean anything. You could get caught up in the whole economic instability of the country you live in and end up on the streets, end up at death’s door by some unlucky circumstance, or you could by some stroke of luck be somewhat successful, own a house, meet someone, and start a family.

My friends, I feel, think that I am blowing this future business way out of proportion and sometimes I agree with them. But really ,when all you’ve grown up seeing are your parents being miserable working paycheck to paycheck just to put food on the table, buy us decent clothes, and to keep a roof over our heads it’s hard not to think about it. As a young girl I remember thinking about the future,what I’d be like in about 10 years. I wish I could tell myself, “Stick to being a kid. Trust me. Think about that stuff later on because believe me you’re missing out on so much thinking about this future business.” I mean look at me now.

I feel great remorse for those in high school and college/university. I mean one really bad slip up and your whole future could be devastated. The future, instead of being what’s to come, has become our lives if we’re being honest. Some work and study nonstop hoping that their “future” turns out well. Whatever happened to just living?

I am not mad at my parents or blaming them in any way, but I believe that they missed out on some my biggest stepping-stones during my early adolescent years. I never really had anyone to confide in because I was taught not to trust anybody and my parents were always working or too busy trying to give us a better future. Nonetheless however I am eternally grateful for all they are doing and are going to do. See, we are able to use that word in substitution for the word “life”.

I suppose you could say that my time to think about the future is already here. How do I get ready? What do I do? What should pick? When? Where? How? Can I? All these questions always hover over the future and all we can do it answer them one by one. We don’t have to answer all of them, but I’m pretty sure everybody answers a handful sooner or later. images